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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.