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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.