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There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener