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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.