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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.