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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."