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I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.