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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.