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Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
Just once Iād like to learn something the easy way.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.