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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
Theirye’re, problem solved.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.