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I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(