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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`