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Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.