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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.