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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep