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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.