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A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
I`m going to hell in every religion!
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
I drink coffee for your protection.
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”