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"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Your things are terrific.
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?