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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.