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I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.