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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
Own the day
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.