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I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
Do angry people know about naps?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.