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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Hendrix didn`t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.