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Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/