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Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
Ya Know, if I was Jessie`s Girl. I would of dumped Jessie for Rick Springfield!!
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.