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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.