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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink