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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
take me drunk i`m home
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.