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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.