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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.