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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."