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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.