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They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )