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My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, Iām calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.