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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.