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If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.