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If you figure me out I want an explanation.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
My favorite beer is the next one.
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness