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I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
like this if you are against animal cruelty
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.