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My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.