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Click Like, if you hate being told what to do.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.