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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
i never said i knew what i was doing, i said i was going to do it anyway :)
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.