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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
Warning: I just get weirder.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`