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Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
The only dates I get are updates.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.