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Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.