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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?