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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.