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Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.