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Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.