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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.