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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?