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Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.