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I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon