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I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.