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I would order delivery more often, but I just can`t stand lowering the drawbridge.
How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.