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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Iām not going bald. Iām getting more head.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...