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I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.