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Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.