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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...