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Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.