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Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"