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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".