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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.