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Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.