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I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.