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Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
Similarities between BRA and BAR 1. Both have similar letters 2. Both are drinking zones 3. When both opened men go crazy "prove me wrong"
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"