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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day Iām just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.