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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.