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I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes