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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?