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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
My life is just one long improvisation.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*