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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
doesn`t need any help being bad but u can come along for the ride if your up for it.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming