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Hendrix didn`t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.