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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman`s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.