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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I`m not excited about finding change on the ground.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.