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Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.