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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.