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Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it`s Wednesday.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.