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It`s so hard to find obedient minions
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!