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If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”