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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"