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Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
This century is already 15% over.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
I just blew all my party money on bills again
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.