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I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.