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I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment...
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.