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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.