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In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don`t think I can keep watching movies
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
My mom says I`m special.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!