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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.