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Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
thjeo oskl asopa joa sajksla wioj apska shul bhcgy ....Yes I just wasted your time ;)
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.