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Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards