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It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"