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If I don`t `like` your post it`s because I don`t care...
There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.