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Iām going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.