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Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
Iām not always rude. Sometimes Iām sleeping.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.