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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
After 6 years, is it still all Bush`s fault or has it been reduced to "Unfortunate circumstances under no one`s control"?..............
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.