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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
My cardio is shopping.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.