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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]