Daily Silly Status

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.

Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.

I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.

I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.

I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.

Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"

I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.

Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?

I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.

The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.

I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.