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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
I fake my lol`s