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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My misery likes tequila, not company.