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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
I was born at a very early age.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.