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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.