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I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.