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something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner