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10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
hell yeah !!!! i was the lucky sperm !!!!!
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.