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Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.