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is 100% sure that you are looking at my status. (:
How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.