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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.