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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
Sometimes, I`m offended at how easily offended some people get.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm