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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.