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is 100% sure that you are looking at my status. (:
Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?