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Maybe teenagers just aren`t strong enough yet to remove the sticker from their hat
If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.