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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.