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I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Wanna have a little fun? Post "Anyone know a good lawyer?" Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…