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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
I dare you to spit on this status.
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.