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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.