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Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
It takes balls to be a man.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.