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When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?