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Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.