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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
It`s no fun if you have permission.
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.