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If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.