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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.