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I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.