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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.