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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time