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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.