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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.