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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
Some people just need to be clothes lined
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.