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It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
I just researched the medicinal name for Viagra..... MYCOXAPHAYLYN
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks