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Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.