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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
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Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.